Friday, August 24, 2007
just added this blog for fun,
im not sure why.
what's going to happen to me?
i cant tell
not when it seems a million miles away
when both of you dont hear my pleas
im trying,i really am
i cant take that route
its too secluded
i want to do this for myself
because i cant move in the direction i wanted to a month ago
its not working out
or
atleast i dont feel that it will.
i wish i had a sibling,or a few,
then they wouldnt make me stay here,
then they wouldnt do this to me.
i wish my disappearance will affect them less
when i do
if i ever do.
its their fault they didnt get me my dream sister.
maybe he doesnt take me into his arms because
i am a girl?
afterall
she did mention that he wouldve preferred a boy
and haha
what achievements have i?
not up to his standards
never
never took up badminton
quit tennis after a year or two
took up choir
became my post
slacking in studies til not long ago
supposedly spoilt in his eyes by her
hes never praised me a single time
maybe once or twice as an infant
but in my fifteen years
never
not once did he tell me i ever did well.
i ve never been a good daughter to him
never did what he wanted
maybe i should have taken up badminton instead
maybe i should watch football too
maybe i should study neurosurgery too
what good comes out of me?
i dont want to be like you!
i never want to be like you!
if i ever had a child i would never treat my child the way you do!
you re old yes therefore your mindset will stay the same way until you die
or i die
but me?
my mindset will not change if i dont want it to either!
i know you love me
you dont know how to show it
but i cant accept you for who you are
dont think i ever will.
if i havent made a move to get close to you for fifteen years
i dont think i ever will.
if you dont let me go where i want to when i do the best that i do
i will never forgive you.
if i cannot fulfil my life,
i will take it away from myself.
then you will never see me again.
all my pleas
fallen on your ignorant ears
how old am i this year? twelve?i thought your psle is next year?oops,
i forgot.
oh,
you say you pay 8000bucks for my insurance each year,
thats a tremendous sum!
ohmygod.
i feel so touched.
what i want to say is,
the truth is that
id
rather you didnt spend all of it on me
id rather
from when i was three
you get close to me
show your concern
reward me in all the ways any average-earning parent would do for their child
when you tell me im spoilt,
i never did it
truly,i am not spoilt,
because you never pampered me,
but if i am spoilt in your eyes,
it is because you spoilt me.
how can you expect me to do what you want me to do when you dont even know how old i am?
dont even know how many subjects i take,
dont even know my cca,
didnt even bother to attend my school performance when i asked you to?
all sacrificed for your football, your cnn and sports and bbc and axn and other shit--
you would trade your television for your daughter!
why should i agree to help you take your drink,
make tea for you,
switch off the heater for you,
when you dont show a single thread of concern for my well being?
why should i not retaliate when you scold me unreasonably?
why should i allow you to call me stupid and idiot and rubbish
when i am telling the truth?
why?
why?
because i am your pathetic daughter?
and you love me but you dont care?
because you love me but you need my mother to tell me that?
i hate you
i really do
i am supposed to love you
and many say that most fathers are like this
but
do they understand?
do they see me when you slap me for something you have done wrong?
do they see you when you lie on the sofa and avert your eyes when i come home?
do they?
they dont!
do they know that you are highly possibly going to break your promise about my cca going overseas?
mum tells me to live with you,you are like this,
but how?
i cannot accept you!
i cant stand you!
i cant stand her either!
i cant stand living in this house with both of you!
which is why i want to go overseas to study!
then you wouldnt see what i do in melbourne
even better,
when hueis mom comes ,
if she gets posted to melb,
lets see how she would take me in her stride.
i love mum , yes,
but i dont tell her 3/4 of my life
and she doesnt understand me at all.
i dont say that i am not at fault.
i have always been at fault.
i lie to you and her,
i retort like hell when she irritates me.
because sometimes
i cant stand being myself.
i never lose myself in school or anywhere else.
its always only with the two of you.
i want to leave singapore,
now i realise that part of the reason is because i dont want to live with both of you.
because im scared that if i do,
i will become like who i am at home,
always getting angry at the slightest things.
but the way both of you respond--
its less than proper.
i dont know how to cope at home anymore.
i always dread going home;
i wish i could have another home to go home to.
somewhere warmer,
somewhere where people bother to ask me what my day was like,
and respect my opinion when i tell them i dislike to have the door open when i study.
somewhere that i would be accepted more completely,
instead of always being compared to the two of you,
the two doctors,
ooh iwant to have parents like yours jean!
no,nobody wants to have parents like mine.
if they want to it is always because my parents earn a lot of money.
but haha,
i dont even get enough money a week.
15 bucks .
is that enough?
i believe that i am lucky.
but who doesnt want to be another person?
maybe im selfish.
but i always do things for others,
not usually myself.
i dont know what i ll do if both of you dont let me go to melb to study.
theres a high chance that i ll take my life,
looking at the number of promises to me that you have broken.
im so tired.
im so tired.
i really am.
Blogged @ 8:24 AM